It takes a village.

One of the most commonly shared pieces of advice for new moms… “it takes a village! Don’t be afraid to ask for help!”

When I had Spencer, I wasn’t fully embracing this concept. I am not one to ask for help, and I really prefer doing things myself. I also didn’t want a bunch of visitors while I was recovering and learning how to be a mom. I certainly don’t blame other moms who have family stay with them or have people come help – I think that’s really great! But for me, the thought of having other people visiting or staying in our tiny apartment was extremely stressful.

Don’t get me wrong – people brought us dinner and drove me to my doctor appointments, and we so appreciated the help. In my mind though, it was almost expected that we would want family to stay with us or that we would need people to come help with night feedings/etc., and I felt kind of guilty telling people we didn’t need them to come stay with us.

I never felt comfortable having someone else watch him so I could take a nap or go out to dinner… honestly for at least the first four months, if not five. I don’t say that to sound like I’m looking down on moms who do go out or who do utilize sitters… again, I think that is great. It just never felt right in our situation… Spencer wouldn’t take a bottle at all until he was 5 months old, and anytime I had left him with Jordan, he would be inconsolable until I came home to nurse him. It felt overwhelming and sometimes felt like I was trapped, but at the same time I felt like that was my responsibility as a mother, not anyone else’s.

It took me a long time to accept any help or to allow others to watch Spencer. I think part of it was just my personality and emotional issues I was going through at the time, but part was also that the kind of help that was offered wasn’t always helpful for us. (Not trying to sound ungrateful at all… it just wasn’t what we needed).

Those first few months, what I needed more than anything else was someone to listen and be there when I needed to cry, and talk me down when I was panicking about something, and laugh about our first time parent mistakes, and encourage me as a new mother. Emotional support (for me) was so much more important and needed than someone to physically be there and take the baby off my hands. I needed to know that I wasn’t crazy and that things would get better and have someone who would commiserate with me at 3 in the morning when I was trapped for hours under a cluster feeding infant who cried the literal second I tried to move him.

So it turns out my “village” wasn’t the traditional sort, and didn’t really look like what I expected. Before baby, I felt like I had a lot of friends, and after… I could probably count my close friends on one hand. And I like it that way.

I have certain friends and family in my village who I know I could talk to about anything, anytime. Having those fellow young moms in my life honestly got me through those first few months. I also joined an online group with other moms who had babies that month, and it was great having those women to talk to through our pregnancies and after we had our babies.

My advice for new moms: know what kind of village you need, and lean on them. Maybe you need people to physically be there and offer the traditional types of help – I pray you are surrounded with all of the help you need! But I do believe that emotional support is just as important and needed, and I don’t know how any new mom navigates through all of those emotions without at least one person to be there.

If you know a new mom and want to help… dinners and diapers are always appreciated 🙂 but so is simply asking how things are going, and being able to listen without offering up advice that hasn’t been asked for. Tell that momma how great she’s doing! Share your own struggles so she doesn’t feel alone.