When I prayed to accept Christ as my savior, I think I expected that all of my problems would go away. Just like that. Instead of feeling free, I felt more pressure than ever before.
I felt pressure to know everything about everything faith-related. After all, I was now a professing Christian. What if someone challenged me on that or tried to stump me with questions about the Bible? I couldn’t recite all the books of the Bible. I didn’t have any scripture memorized and felt very out of place in most spiritual discussions.
I felt pressure to fit in with the church culture. After all, I was now a professing Christian. What if my outward life and my appearance didn’t reflect that? What if the people at my church didn’t accept me? I didn’t understand church politics. When I started going to church, I had no idea what I should wear, where I should sit, HOW I should sit, when I should stand, how I should talk to people, how I should pray, how I should sing. I didn’t know any Christian songs or artists. I thought Christian movies were super lame and I didn’t know of any Christian authors. I didn’t have youth group stories to laugh about or fun memories from church camp. I would look around at all of the people singing, laughing, hands raised high, and all I could think about was how I didn’t fit in.
Mostly, I felt pressure to be HAPPY. We sang songs about joy. We learned about the fruits of the spirit, including JOY. And I truly felt that my heart had changed that night that I prayed to receive Christ… but I still didn’t always feel joy. I still dealt with depression and I still dealt with anxiety. Instead of feeling like I could freely share about that and seek help for it, I felt like I was being told in so many ways… “just pray it away. Be more faithful.”
In other words, the problem wasn’t my mind. It wasn’t my mental health. It was my lack of faith. If I really had faith, I wouldn’t be worried. If I really had faith, I wouldn’t have anxiety attacks. If I really had faith, I wouldn’t be depressed. I would just be HAPPY. “Too blessed to be stressed.” And for years, I believed that… I believed that my faith just wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t praying enough, I wasn’t reading my Bible enough, I just didn’t trust God enough.
I’m realizing now that my faith was never the problem. My faith has never wavered since I said that prayer in 2009. I’ve never once doubted that God was able, or questioned His authority over my life. I’ve never looked back and wondered if I was really saved or if God is real. My faith is firm and it’s the one thing I’ve been able to cling to when everything else feels uncertain. My faith is my anchor that holds me steady. My faith is my guiding compass to keep me on the right path. My faith in Jesus will never be in question.
Having faith doesn’t mean I won’t still experience the effects of my anxiety disorder or struggle with depression (especially postpartum).
Having faith doesn’t mean that my life will be picture perfect and I’m no longer allowed to make mistakes.
Having faith doesn’t mean that I am going to look like everyone else at church or check off every box on the list of what a Christian should be like.
My faith is enough and Jesus is always enough. It’s ok to struggle and still have faith. My faith is made stronger by trusting God through the struggles, not by pretending that they don’t exist.
Kristen Stewart, Writer 