Right around this time 3 years ago, I took a pregnancy test in our downstairs bathroom. I was home alone when I saw the two lines on the stick. Immediately, I felt this overwhelming sense of unconditional love and intense pressure to protect. I knew my baby was just a speck at that point, but I instantly felt bonded to him and also terrified that I was going to be inadequate to take care of him.
That feeling hasn’t gone away and he’s almost two-and-a-half.
Being a mother has made me feel the deepest love that one human can have for another. At the same time, I’ve also experienced this overwhelming sense of danger. Since the moment I knew I was pregnant, I’ve been fighting off thoughts of all of the many things that can go wrong. All of the ways I could lose him, or he could lose me. All of the ways I could screw him up as he gets older.
In those moments when I feel inadequate or overcome with worries, I cling to the truth that God is loving but also sovereign and holy. At the end of the day, if I can honestly say that I’ve done my best to protect and raise this little life that I’ve been blessed with, then that’s enough. I have to accept and trust that God sees and knows Spencer’s past, present and future. Some things may be out of my control, but nothing is out of God’s.
Kristen Stewart, Writer 