Please stay two-years-old.

It’s been awhile since I cried. Honestly, I can’t even think of the last time I did.

But tonight, as I lay on my little son’s new twin bed, holding his hands while he drifted off to sleep… the tears came.

I never thought this day would come. When he would move out of our bed and into his own room and no longer want to nurse to sleep. But here we are. I’m laying on his new big boy bed, looking at his freshly cut big boy haircut, holding his hands while we say his prayers and listen to the same lullabies as every night. I can tell by his breathing that he’s almost asleep and I can slip out of his room soon. And as we’re laying there, I’m crying wondering about when he won’t want me to lay next to him anymore to help him fall asleep.

“They grow up so fast, enjoy it while it lasts.” The customary advice given to every mom with a little one on a regular basis. Some nights, that truth is hard for me to grasp.

I don’t want this to end. I don’t want him to grow up and stop needing me. I don’t want him to get older and lose his genuine joy and happiness for life. I don’t want him to exchange playing with toys and rolling around on the floor with his dad for playing video games and wasting hours of his day glued to a screen. I don’t want him to stop wanting to hold my hand while he falls asleep.

I don’t want to stop being “Mommy.”

I know some parents think of these years as the frustrating ones with no sleep, no privacy, no adult time. Have I been frustrated at times? Sure. But truthfully, these past two years have been the best of my life.

I love being needed. I love that he wants to sit with Mommy all the time. I love holding his tiny hands and his sweet hugs and his little kisses. I love watching him play and learn and develop. I love taking care of him.

I’m afraid there will come a day where I’m no longer needed.. and I won’t know what to do with myself. What if he grows up and forgets about all of these special times? What if one day I’m no longer his favorite person in the world?

Of course I know that day will come. It’s inevitable. I just wish I could look forward to it more.