Throwback Thursday…

I wrote this post one week before I applied for the job I have now. I had been thinking about applying all summer and this experience confirmed so strongly for me that this was where God wants me. If this wasn’t enough, after I started, my now coworker told me she had been praying and had prayed that the right person for the job would be in her inbox Monday morning…. this happened the same weekend I pored over my resume and finally applied. I’m so thankful and so in awe of how God works everything out for a purpose beyond our understanding. 

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Early this morning, Spencer woke up briefly. We were sleeping together, so he woke me up as well. He went right back to sleep, but it took me a few minutes. After I fell back asleep, I had the most disturbing dream and I feel so strongly that God was speaking to me through it… if you’re reading this and don’t believe in that or think that’s weird, well, sorry. It shook me so bad that I’m past the point of caring what other people think.

In the dream, I was living in an apartment with Spencer and Jordan and just having a normal day. I was cleaning and watching TV and putting away clothes. Spencer and Jordan were not there for some reason. All of a sudden, this person appeared in the room and pinned my arms back. I could not move at all. They took me to a bridge and made me watch another group of people doing unspeakably horrible things to innocent little babies. All I could do was watch and listen to the babies crying. I saw their faces and I could feel their desperation and could sense that they were all wanting their mothers. I felt sick in my dream and wanted so badly to help them but I was stuck.

I rarely have vivid dreams anymore and can’t remember the last time I had one this messed up. I don’t know that I ever have. But I woke up and felt SO disturbed and convicted. I felt like I should have been paying attention, or should have done something to help them. Instead I was so focused on my own life, I grew blind to everything around me. I grew complacent.

I remember going to an event last year with my friend Becky; Jennie Allen was promoting her new book (a little) and pacing the stage talking up a storm (a lot). She asked how many of us felt stuck… most everyone raised their hands, myself included. She asked what specifically is stopping us from moving forward… identify the issue, call it what it is, and move past it. And I answered, “I’m too comfortable.”

I’ve had a great life the past few years. I’ve gotten married to a wonderful man, promoted into great jobs, and had my first child. There have been a few tough times, of course, but overall, these have been the best years of my life so far. I’ve never been happier, or more comfortable, or more fulfilled, than I am right now as a wife and mother.

And I think that’s a wonderful thing… but also not so much. Because I’m so full of myself and my own life that I don’t leave room for God. I try to squeeze God in where there’s a little time or a little space. I’ve grown so accustomed to just getting through each day and worrying about my own life, that I am not paying as much attention to the world around me. I know there are awful things going on around me, and I know I can’t fix it all, but I haven’t even felt motivated to try. I have felt like I’m just drifting along on this happy family cloud, enjoying my books and my Netflix and my relatively easy job… convincing myself that there’s nothing wrong with me just focusing on being a mom.

After that dream, I woke up ready to act. I was disturbed into action. What good does it do for me to feel a certain way or have a belief if that belief does not prompt me to act? If it does not motivate me to make a difference? Somewhere along the way, I bought into the mindset that God wants to bless ME and make MY life better, instead of focusing on how I can let God use me to make someone else’s life better. I am not the big picture. I am part of God’s big picture. I want to spend the rest of my days fulfilling that call instead of just focusing on my own little world.