When I was pregnant, I had an app on my phone that tracked my baby’s development each week and had a little handprint to show how big the baby’s hand was that week. I kept all my ultrasounds in my purse and stared at them, wishing I could just see him already.
I remember reading everything I could each week and trying to imagine what my baby looked like… what he would be like. What would his voice sound like? His cries? His giggling? Would he be loud and outgoing, or quiet and shy? Would he have dark hair or blonde hair or no hair? Would he be athletic or artistic or academic?
And then… he was here. His scrunched newborn face was covered in bruises and scrapes from his somewhat traumatic birth. He was beautiful. The most perfect baby I’ve ever seen. I’m sure every mother feels that way about her babies.
There was no more wondering… here he was. I expected that he was a blank slate, and felt the weight of every decision I made somehow irreparably forming him as a person. Would I ruin him if I breastfed instead of doing bottles with cereal? Would he have sleep problems forever if we chose to cosleep instead of crying it out? Would he be spoiled if he got a bunch of toys? What about letting him watch TV or videos? What kind of books should we read him? Are we sheltering him by keeping him out of daycare? Should we homeschool or public school or private? What if we screw this up?
The day we went home, I clutched Spencer in his car seat and sobbed in my wheelchair. I couldn’t stop crying. I told the nurses I couldn’t do this, I was worried about messing up. I was scared. They reassured me that was a normal feeling.
He’s almost 2 now, and I’m quickly realizing that yes, my parenting does matter, but he’s not a totally blank slate. God saw Spencer while he was still being formed… before anyone else ever saw him or knew he existed. Yes, we can have a huge impact on his life, and yes, there is a lot of responsibility. But today I’m resting in the fact that God created Spencer, not us. He was created by God and for God, and is already uniquely himself without us having anything to do with it. He already has a purpose on this earth that we didn’t determine. He already has a personality and special traits and talents and interests that were determined while he was still in the womb. And I’m excited to be by his side as we both uncover who God made him to be.
Kristen Stewart, Writer 