There’s beauty (and difficulty) in each phase of life. What if we could learn to just appreciate that instead of wishing we were already in the next phase? Especially regarding the baby/toddler phase – it seems like so many parents talk about that phase like it’s something to be survived or endured, rather than cherished and appreciated.
With every new phase, I’ve tried so hard to appreciate the beauty. The little moments. All of his “firsts” and all of the things he does constantly. There have definitely been difficulties this first year and a half, but to be honest, hardly any of them really have to do with taking care of Spencer. I love every part of taking care of him (with the exception of tantrums and cleaning up vomit – try as I might, I can’t love these things).
Most parents complain about the lack of sleep, or the constant crying, or changing diapers. When I was pregnant, I can’t tell you how many people (mostly older) felt the need to warn us about how we’d “never sleep again.”
For me, the most difficult part has been managing my own emotions and adjusting to our new life. I believe most of the emotional distress was hormonal, but the difficulty adjusting to being a new parent was simply a matter of me having a wrong attitude.
I resented the physical changes to my body, but also the changes to our way of living. When I decided to stay home instead of return to work, we took a major hit financially. Our plan for paying off student loans was put on hold, and we were struggling every month just to pay our bills. It felt like we would never get to a point of stability again and I was constantly anxious over it. It was hard to just enjoy that time of Spencer’s life because it felt like there was always something new to worry about. And as much as I loved being a stay at home mom with a pudgy little baby, I wished for the situation to change.
Then things did change. I went back to work part time, and things were more stable. My body and hormones went back to normal and I started to feel like myself again.
But taking care of Spencer started to change, and things like molars, tantrums, and his evolving independence came into play. Suddenly my easygoing, portable baby was an opinionated, passionate toddler. And suddenly I was always running behind and late for everything. I was calling off work because Spencer only wanted his mommy, and previously I would only call off if I was on the verge of death. I was getting irritated at my screaming angry son when I previously couldn’t imagine the day when I’d be upset with him.
And I’m doing it again. I’m not trying to intentionally, but I find myself wishing for the situation to change. I’m talking about how it will be easier when he’s in preschool, or how things will be better when our cars and student loans are paid off, or how soon he’ll stop nursing and start sleeping at night. I’m feeling guilty because we aren’t super involved at church yet. I’m feeling like a failure at my job most days.
But as difficult and stressful and chaotic as life is right now, I don’t want to wish it away by thinking about how much better/easier things will be someday. No matter what phase of life we’re in, there will always be a someday. And I’ll always look back on the previous phases and wish I would have appreciated and enjoyed them more.
Will we continue to run late all the time? Will there still be days when my son screams bloody murder over every little thing? Will everything in our house stay messy for the next several years? Will we be pinching our pennies for the foreseeable future? Probably. It’s a safe bet. We are working parents with a toddler, still making our way out of debt from college. We could complain and dream about the future, but I’d rather be content now. I’d rather learn to appreciate the everyday beauty in this messy life.
Kristen Stewart, Writer 