I see you, baby.

I’m having a hard time lately accepting that my son is basically no longer a baby. I am trying desperately to hold onto whatever baby-ness I can, while also being so excited to see how he is learning and growing. I feel like I blinked and he was a walking, talking little boy. 

How much of it did I miss because I was busy with other things? Watching Netflix, checking Facebook, playing Solitaire on my phone… honestly, I have wasted so much time that I should have spent soaking up every moment of his babyhood. 

Is it wrong to need a little break and have some relaxing time alone? Not at all. But I’m pretty ashamed of how much we both have our phones out when we are with Spencer. I’m guilty, my husband is guilty. I’m taking all the tiny moments for granted and giving my attention to things that don’t matter whatsoever. Twenty years from now, I’m not going to remember or care what drama went down on my Facebook feed, but I am going to be wishing for this time back with my sweet boy. 

I hate how easy it is to get distracted from what’s truly important. A phone isn’t just a phone anymore, it’s an access point to the world. It’s overwhelming how much information is available, how many apps exist, and how normal it is to get sucked into these things. How addicted we are as a society. 

I remember when I was a child and we went places together in the car… no one had cell phones or iPads or tablets. We played games, we talked, we made jokes, and we listened to music. And that wasn’t boring. I remember playing outside all day long and not getting bored. I was happy just to dig a hole or ride my bike or set up a tent in our yard and pretend it was my weather station. I wasn’t worried about taking selfies or texting people or checking my Snapchat.

Spencer is that way (of course). He’s exploring his world and discovering pretty much everything. He loves sticks and rocks and smacking ants on the ground. He loves planes in the sky and cars on the road. He notices and comments on everything. And I love that. I want to encourage that, not shove a tablet in his face so he’ll sit still and be quiet. 

He’s also watching us all the time. Watching how we act and how we react to him. It breaks my heart to think that there are times he has looked up to see if we’re watching, with a smile on his face, and instead of seeing us smiling back, saw us staring at a phone screen. I think of all the times he has done something and said “mama! Mama!” and I’ve responded with “I see you, baby” while continuing to do what I was doing. 

My child doesn’t ask for much, but he desperately wants our love and attention. Am I really giving him that if I’m simultaneously checking work emails and scrolling through Facebook? (No). 

There is nothing on the Internet worth taking my full attention away from watching the most precious and fleeting years of his life. I’m being more mindful of that from now on.