I never really struggled with body image issues or low self-esteem when I was younger. I was a confident person but I just never thought much about my appearance.
I think the first time I felt truly unattractive and started to notice my flaws was my first semester of college. I was at a party and I think it was a pool party, because I had a swimsuit on, and a boy there told me my chest was disgusting. (I was born with a sunken chest and though I’ve had corrective surgery, it’s still pretty concave). I distinctly remember feeling ashamed of my body in that moment and wishing I didn’t look like I do.
After that I really started noticing my flaws. I have wide shoulders. I have a chubby face. I have scoliosis and a big scar on my back from surgery. No matter how skinny I was, I still felt fat. I never liked my hair no matter how it was styled or colored. I have impossible eyebrows. I can’t seem to put a decent outfit together to save my life.
Even now, I find myself comparing myself to others physically. Why doesn’t short hair look cute on me like it does on her? Do people look at me at work and think I look unprofessional and trashy? Am I turning into a mom who has given up on “looking good”? Why do other moms always look so cute in their pictures? Why can’t I have a cute wardrobe and accessories and perfect brows and makeup and manicures? Why does every outfit I own seem to accentuate every physical flaw I have?
Why do I care about those things?
My physical appearance really doesn’t matter. My husband thinks I’m beautiful, so why do I care if anyone else does? Why do I feel this pressure to look a certain way?
What really matters?
Being healthy matters. Loving and taking care of my body matters. Being a good wife and mom matters. Being present with those I love matters. Working hard at my job, serving at my church, being kind to people… those things matter.
What doesn’t matter? How cute my pictures are… how many likes I get on a post… people telling me I look pretty.
So, yea, I guess I kind of am turning into the mom who no longer cares about her appearance. But only because I care about what really matters a whole lot more.
Kristen Stewart, Writer 