When we found out. 

It was right after St. Patrick’s Day in 2015 when I started to get suspicious. I was super bloated, and I literally couldn’t get enough protein. I craved chicken and beef jerky like crazy. I also couldn’t get enough buffalo sauce.

I wasn’t “late” yet, so I thought I was just PMS-ing (this also causes me to blow up and binge eat).

I got Lee’s Chicken for like, the 3rd time in a week, and my boss jokingly asked if I was pregnant.

The next day, I got lunch with Jordan and ordered a buffalo chicken wrap. Jordan jokingly asked if I was pregnant. I told him it was possible but no, probably not. I said let’s wait a week and if I’m late, then we can consider the possibility.

He was going to be coming home late that night (I don’t remember why – maybe doing something with his dad?), and I just HAD to know. I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home and took it with my heartbeat pounding.

I did a double take. Yep, that’s really a positive. My immediate reaction was a mixture of panic and disbelief. I started crying and shaking. There was a tiny speck in my womb that was going to be a newborn before the end of the year. I felt weighed down with this knowledge and needed to tell someone, but I didn’t want to tell Jordan over the phone. I told my cousin and swore her to secrecy.

When Jordan got home, I wasn’t sure how to tell him. We hadn’t talked all that much about kids, and I knew he was hoping to wait a few more years.

“So… I took a test tonight.”

“…and?”

“And it was positive.”

Long pause.

“…you’re pregnant?”

We were both pretty shocked. It didn’t feel “real” yet, and I made him promise not to tell anyone. That was especially difficult because his grandma had terminal cancer and we didn’t know how much longer she had with us. But fear kept me from telling people for several weeks. I was afraid it was a false positive, then I was afraid of miscarriage, and I didn’t want to get everyone excited. I didn’t want to get excited, just in case. I always expected the worst, and this was no exception.

Even after we saw the heartbeat (twice) and told people (because it was getting difficult to hide), I was afraid of losing the baby and thought I shouldn’t get my hopes up. It didn’t help that I bled for a whole month of my first trimester. I was completely consumed with fear and anxiety and it was hard for me to feel excited until I finally started feeling movement.

Looking back, I wish I could tell myself that everything was going to be ok. I wish I could have enjoyed the first half of my pregnancy more instead of just being terrified. I also wish I would have waited for Jordan to get home before I took the test. 😆 Pregnancy is truly such a special time.